I'm in labour, get me to the hospital...stop at McDonald's on the way though ya?

I'm in labour, get me to the hospital...stop at McDonald's on the way though ya?

My second round at child birth was much easier than the first, actually so was the pregnancy. My first was filled with crazy hormones, insane migraines and prenatal depression, I hated being pregnant. 
After giving birth and becoming a bit more bearable to be around, my husband told me that after work he used to sit in his van for 10 minutes afraid to come indoors. I really was a nightmare. 

Birth was scary, and bloody painful. I remember my midwife telling me at 3 centimetres I had to hit 4 before I could get the epidural, if I wasn't bent over the bed in crippling stillness I would have choked the bitch right there in that room. Gas and air was always made sound like a party but it made me feel sick, Dave made the most of it though, he deserved it after the 10 months he had endured. 
I can not understand how women can go through the whole process with little or no pain relief, hats off to you, I can barely hold back the tears just getting a wax.

12 hours later after forceps, episiotomy (a lifetime of emotional scars for Dave after witnessing episiotomy with what he described as a garden scissors) and too much epidural which resulted in me being sedated for an hour, Our first son Riley was born. 

I've heard women say once you hold your bundle of joy in your arms you forget all about the pain of child birth...do ya feck!! Don't listen to those women, they're lying, it is still lodged all too clearly in my mind.

Pregnancy No.2 was a prettier picture. Dave would comment about what a dream I was and how sometimes he would forget I was even pregnant. I noticed he was home from work on time a lot more this pregnancy too. 
I didn't have any depression this time, I did get the headaches but knowing what worked for them last time I was able knock them on the head fairly quickly (pardon the pun). I was joyful, dare i say glowing. 

All that being said, I still could not wait to get the baby out so the evening it all began I had been bouncing on the birthing ball for hours. I could feel the baby moving further down with every bounce but didn't get too excited as the days leading up to this one I tried just about everything there was going on the Internet and nothing worked. But low and behold just as we got into bed, the contractions started and sped up fairly quickly so off we went to the hospital. 

A couple of hours later we were sent home as they were low staffed and I still had a bit to go. It was around 2am at this point but I happily went as I was starving and all that was going through my head was McDonald's drive thru. IT WAS CLOSED!!

6am I had had enough I needed to get back to McDonald's..I mean..hospital, but sure it was on the way. It was open this time but after all that I couldn't eat it. I was in agony, Dave thought he would take a shortcut (it saved all of 15 seconds) the shortcut brought us in one side of a petrol station and out the other, but the station had 8 speed bumps to get over...I didn't say anything I just turned my head and gave him 'the look'. God love him he thought he was doing right. 

We got to the hospital, all hooked up in triage I was told I had to go straight to the delivery suite. Not because I was so far gone, they hadn't even checked that yet. No, it was because my heart rate was dropping and speeding up at a crazy rate. I tried to reassure everyone it was probably just the coffee I had from McDonald's as they all seemed as worried as I secretly was. Well, Dave was being very cool about the whole situation, a bit too cool for my liking. I thought, Jasus you're a heartless bastard but afterwards he told me he was a nervous wreck and was putting on an act for my sake. 
So there it was, the moment I realised I might die today. As if the day wasn't bad enough already having no sleep, the obvious pain of labour and my failed attempt at the lovely looking MaccyD pancakes despite my starvation. 
Doctor after doctor came to poke and prod and give their thoughts on the dodgy ticker but to no avail, thankfully I'm still here to tell the tale. 

Surprisingly enough the pain held up a little bit, NOOOOO this means I'm going home but then my waters broke. I was asked if I wanted the epidural now, the pain wasn't really that bad anymore but I wasn't taking any chances so yes if you're offering, why not.

The day drew on hour after hour talking shit to the midwife asking all the questions I'm sure she's answered a hundred times before. "Do many people record the birth? I think that's a bit weird myself." 

Okay, less talking, THE HEAD IS COMING.. Dave and Megan (the midwife) looked on with such excitement on their faces.. To hell with it I wanna see "here Dave record it". They both just looked up at me. "Yes I know what I said earlier but I don't care I want to see why your faces look like a fat kid at a hotdog stand, record it".

16 minutes was all the pushing took and out he came looking like a smurf that just emerged from a swamp, another beautiful boy. I remember thinking oh you are gorgeous but your covered in a whole lot of yuk so we will save the kisses for later, no offence Jesse. 

After we settled down and I had been yet again stitched up, I had a look at the video. If I blurred out what my vagina looked like at that moment in time and just focused on the little head making it's debut then yes, it was amazing to watch but just once, then it had to be deleted. I never wanted to look at that godawful image of my nether regions again.

There I was, a year down the line and 9 days away from my third baby's due date (yep - I'm that crazy) making the coolest cake ever for Jesse's 1st birthday when I started to feel a bit queezy and no I wasn't eating the raw ingredients I swear. The day moved on with that sickly feeling but no symptoms of an impending labour until 8pm that evening. Boys were in bed, I was watching TV and the contractions started. There had been many a night previous to this one where I told my husband "this is it, we're having the baby tonight" but then I'd just let out some wind or something and panic over but this was different, you know when you know. 

The contractions weren't that painful but they were coming every couple of minutes so we headed to the hospital as I didn't want to take any chances with number three shooting out like they say it can. (Bucket vagina and all that)
Got to the hospital at 10.30pm and there was literally a que of women in labour waiting to push a push pop, I swear I felt like I was in Starbucks. Luckily Evie was in no big hurry at this point as it was 1am before I was check over. At only 1cm I thought we we're going to be sent on our bike but they said because it's my third, things might happen quickly so I should stay over night. (Bucket vagina comes to mind again)
We walked to the ward and I told Dave to go to the car and get my hospital bag and then take himself off home as nothing was happening... When he came back 5 minutes later with my bag I was on all fours and mooing like a cow. Midwife did the check and I was 2cm, how could this be?? I was in agony. 20 minutes past and things were only getting worse so she checked again, 5cm.

I was wheeled up to the delivery suite on a chair and up onto the bed. I could feel the head coming but I kept screaming for the epidural. I knew that wouldn't be possible but god loves a trier. No position was helping these pains and I had tried every one of them. In the end I just put my arms around Dave's neck and pulled myself up against his strength during every contraction. There wasn't even a pause between them now and my body just took over, there was sound coming from my mouth I couldn't even control. Then there was the head. Oh no how do shoulders come next.. I remember at that moment (and Dave's favourite part of the labour) I shouted "Kill me, Kill me now!!" and I was serious but thankfully they didn't and out squeezed the shoulder.. the rest just swam out. 

Having had epidural with both my other labours and not even a paracetamol with this one I feel like it was the first time I actually gave birth. I used to say "awe it's not bad giving birth, I actually enjoy it a bit". I will most certainly not be saying that again. 
Holding the beautiful Evie in my arms, I was swarmed by what seemed like 20 doctors around me. They were frantically sticking needles in both my hands and kept missing veins with all the rushing. They told me I was losing a lot of blood, one doctor was pulling at the umbilical cord trying to get the placenta out. I felt myself fading out, my head sinking further into the pillows beneath me. Evie was in Dave's arms at this stage and I was just watching on like I was behind a screen. I remember thinking it was the end, I actually said my goodbyes to Dave and to pass it on to the boys. It seems a bit dramatic now thinking back but in that moment with everything that was happening around me it wasn't dramatic enough. Thankfully once the placenta came out, the bleeding slowed down and the panic was over.

I became the mother of a beautiful healthy girl to add to our boisterous household. No longer will I be bullied by boys, she will have my back (I hope). 

Labour is a scary thing, it rarely ever goes to plan and can come with it's complications but when you hold your bundle of joy at the end, it is worth it a million times over. 

(My husband is already talking about baby number 4.. I might have to kill him)