Third time's a charm!!

There are toys everywhere, EVERYWHERE!!! I've just climbed over a tower of cushions in the doorway to the kitchen, stood on a painfully spiky car, passed an open nappy thrown on the floor and shuffled through the dinner dishes to get a glass of water but it can all wait, the kids are in bed and I'm going to sit down and relax.

I'm one of those crazy people who have a baby and get broody over my own baby. Yep, MY baby made me want another baby. I mean, my husband should have known better, surely he has noticed my brain is mush at the moment. Usually he is quite level headed so I'm going to put it down to him not thinking with his head on this occasion. 

Delighted as I am, it's going to be hard. But I'm ready for that, having two kids is hard enough but to be honest I feel what's hard is the terrible twos. It is an extremely challenging time, maybe not for everyone but Riley is so boisterous, he never stops climbing, he is into everything and fears absolutely nothing. 

So I'm thinking why wait until Jesse is at that stage to have another baby, to then have the terrible twos a couple of years later again. Have the babies now close in age, let them grow together, learn from each others mistakes and maybe, just maybe they will distract each other from any wrong doings and we won't have any terrible twos.

 OK that last bit is obviously very unrealistic but I think there is some logic in this, they will entertain each other and hopefully rule out the jealousy Riley had for Jesse when he came along. 

So there it is, what I have been trying to convince myself with for the past few months. But I'm so excited to watch them all grow together, Riley is about to turn 3 in a couple of months and although he drives me mad sometimes, he makes me laugh so much, I am in awe of his personality and the little boy he is turning into. Jesse is obsessed with him, the way he looks at him makes my heart swell so why not add to the brood, why not love more. 

When they said 'Third time's a charm' they were not talking about pregnancy. I'm coming up on 14 weeks now and already starting to show. The first trimester was full of sickness this time around. And the tiredness, don't get me started on the tiredness. But I am looking forward to the rest, I'm even looking forward to another drink free birthday and Christmas because what's to come at the end of it all will be so worth it. I'm blessed with the children I have and to be given the chance to have another. I will moan and cry about the stress of a bad day with the kids but I would not change a single one of those days and at the end of each one I will thank god for all my blessings. 

Punch Anxiety In The Tits

Punch anxiety in the tits

When suffering from anxiety we tend to keep it to ourselves or within our family because we are afraid of what people will think. I guess we believe we're the only ones suffering because surely Annie or Jane doesn't have anxiety or depression, I can't tell them, they wouldn't understand. They would think I'm mad, losing it, not coping very well. I don't want their sympathy, I don't want them to think I'm any different to them.

When in fact the chances are at least one of them actually is suffering or have done in the past because it is a lot more common than we think and if we decided to open up more about these things we would realise that. Talking about it really helps, and if you think deep down someone is going to judge you wrongly for it then you need to think is this person someone you want to be talking to about anything at all.

I have suffered from anxiety from time to time, before I had kids I remember turning up at A&E one night thinking I was going to die because I couldn't breath, I felt I was going bat shit crazy. I was scared and felt if I'm at the hospital I have some chance. When sitting there like a crazy lunatic pleading with passing doctors to save me, I'm dying, I soon came to realise by how placid they were with me that I wasn't going to die as they kept telling me, it's not possible, you can't die from a panic or anxiety attack. (Ugh I go red just thinking about it but at the time it was very real.) 

These episodes are in fact played out in our minds, as hard as that is to think when going through an anxiety attack, you try to tell yourself to breath, to think of something else but that just works you up even more. 

About 6 months after Riley was born I started having anxiety while driving, every time I would get in the car I wouldn't be able to breath, it was a nightmare. I needed to do something about it. OK I know I can't die from anxiety so I need to stop working myself up so much, when I feel one coming on just try and relax, occupy my mind, call someone for a quick chat (not about the pending anxiety attack because that will make it worse) just take my mind off it without too much infuses. 

It takes most people a while to understand where their panic and anxiety stem from, because in most cases its not obvious. I've often sat down and thought about it, I'm not stressing about anything, everything is fine at the moment, I can't think why I'm going through this, but it's not necessarily a situation from that day that's brought you here but just life as a whole, not being entirely happy in a job, or a relationship, being tired, a new mom, new dad, taking too much on, trying to juggle life, money problems, LIFE. That's why more people than you realise suffer from depression or anxiety, because we're all human and not one of our lives are perfect, not by a long shot and sometimes life gets on top of us, we just have to learn to get back on top of our lives.

One person I know who suffered terribly bad with anxiety having multiple episodes a day found hers stemmed from the implant in her arm, which was due to be removed had being playing havoc with her hormones resulting in the anxiety attacks from hell. 

Another person gave up coffee and his anxiety subsided massively.

A couple of people have recently told me they want more kids but have suffered so bad with anxiety with previous pregnancies and thereafter that they are scared it will happen again and are put off by it. That really saddens me because we should not let it get the better of us, it should not jeopardise any part of our being or our future, only we can help ourselves get out of this rut. It's down to the person suffering to beat it, to not let it hold us back, whether it getting out of bed, or leaving the house, or having another baby. Anxiety is triggered by something inside you, you are in charge of your own body, therefore you need to understand your body and what it is that's letting anxiety take over and punch it in the tits. But most importantly don't be ashamed of it, if you feel it will help to talk about it then talk to whoever the hell will listen because they might just be able give you the tips that helped them, help you.

Keeping up with the Joneses

Keeping up with the Joneses 

I've become a better person recently, I've learned to take things in my stride, not lose my shit every time Riley has a tantrum or both kids are crying at the same time pulling me in every direction. I hold my breath and count to 10 when my husband can't seem to ever find anything I send him to get even though it's exactly where I told him it would be. I've learned to take my mother in law with a pinch of salt and just agree with everything she says and then let it go, not blow a fuse later that evening with smoke coming out my ears just because she told me I need to go to more baby groups or that I should try Riley with vegetables again. I tried him with vegetables yesterday bitch now back the f**k off. 

People have asked me "Is it much harder now you have two kids?" and I would answer "no" because I really don't find it harder. My answer would surprise myself as well as the person that asked, who I'm sure would think I was lying. 

So I had to think about why I don't find it harder and the truth is when I had my first child I was trying so hard to do and have everything perfect, the way I thought I had to in the eyes of society, worrying about what others thought and trying to keep up. 

Working hard to get back to a size 8 straight after giving birth, having my child in a perfect routine, eating vegetables like they're chocolate bars, not letting him watch too much cartoons, reading 50 books a day, teaching him a full vocabulary by the time he is 9 months old..you get the picture and the picture is not realistic.

The weeks following birth are a whirlwind of emotions, especially with your first. You find yourself questioning everything. 'Am I doing it right? why is he crying? do you think he wants to feed again? do you think he's too hot? Oh look, his shit has changed colour again.. Let me just check another baby forum online for the 15000th time today.' 

People tell you to make sure to sleep when the baby sleeps, I never did this. I would try get things done around the house, sort out his clothes, have a coffee or a hot meal for once, all while standing on my tip toes in fear of waking the dragon.

You dream of the night they will sleep all the way through and then when that finally happens, you're up every hour to check if they're still breathing. Then you wake your other half to show him the baby sleeping with his hand placed gently under his face because its the cutest thing you have ever seen.. It's the middle of the night, HE DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT!!

That is how it started for me, then my husband went back to work after paternity leave and I was alone with this baby, this new status for my existence. What do I do with it. I have to be the perfect mom. I have to show the world I'm capable, I've got this. 

So this is how my day will plan out..

Once I've sorted out the baby with his morning feed and dress him up in a cute little outfit, I have a gruelling hour long workout, I shower and get myself dressed in a lovely summer dress that complements my beautifully slim toned body that just bounced back after giving birth, make up on and hair looking like I just left the hairdressers ready to take on the world. Leave my spotlessly clean house, all the laundry done and dinner in the slow cooker ready for the evening, everything i need in the diaper bag all neatly packed and off I go to baby group, coffee with friends, food shopping, soft play and maybe a walk in the park.

That's how it works right? The sun is always shining, the birds are always singing, I'm going to be full of energy all the time and never end a day without everything ticked off the list I made that morning. 

Well I soon found out that the movies I had been watching are full of shit..this is not real life, not in my world anyway.

Since I've had my second child I learned to stop the madness because what I was trying to achieve as a parent was not perfection. Not for my family and not for me because I wasn't happy doing it. It was exhausting and to be honest it was getting us nowhere. Now we take each day as it comes, I'm not a size 8 but I'm happy, we read books but for fun and sometimes we will have cartoons on all day because that's just the way it works out and there's nothing wrong with that. We're happy and healthy and that's all that matters. And this is why I believe life is easier now, no matter how many children I have, It all depends on the mind frame you have set yourself. 

If we want to go to the park we will go to the park, I don't need make up on, I don't need to wear a nice outfit. It's the park and Riley will want me to play and run and crawl around like an animal with him so I throw my hair up, stick on something comfortable and spend my time playing with my son and caring only about what he thinks of me, which is probably that I'm the best fun ever nowadays. I don't constantly clean up toys all day after Riley pulls them all out because as soon as I've tidied them away he will pull them out again. 

My son will probably push another child at soft play, he wont always wait his turn to go down the slide, he will probably scream the place down because he wants crisps, not a sandwich. 

But every experience is a new one for a 2 year old, they are learning every day and trying to control a million emotions and sometimes they just don't want to play by the rules. 

I think this also goes for us parents so I don't think we should be too hard on ourselves because if you're anything like me, motherhood is not all you expected it to be. It's bloody hard, some days it's a living nightmare so I think we should give ourselves a pat on the back, or buy ourselves a box of chocolates or a bottle of wine.. better still do all 3 because we are doing a great job and we deserve it.

I'm in labour, get me to the hospital...stop at McDonald's on the way though ya?

I'm in labour, get me to the hospital...stop at McDonald's on the way though ya?

My second round at child birth was much easier than the first, actually so was the pregnancy. My first was filled with crazy hormones, insane migraines and prenatal depression, I hated being pregnant. 
After giving birth and becoming a bit more bearable to be around, my husband told me that after work he used to sit in his van for 10 minutes afraid to come indoors. I really was a nightmare. 

Birth was scary, and bloody painful. I remember my midwife telling me at 3 centimetres I had to hit 4 before I could get the epidural, if I wasn't bent over the bed in crippling stillness I would have choked the bitch right there in that room. Gas and air was always made sound like a party but it made me feel sick, Dave made the most of it though, he deserved it after the 10 months he had endured. 
I can not understand how women can go through the whole process with little or no pain relief, hats off to you, I can barely hold back the tears just getting a wax.

12 hours later after forceps, episiotomy (a lifetime of emotional scars for Dave after witnessing episiotomy with what he described as a garden scissors) and too much epidural which resulted in me being sedated for an hour, Our first son Riley was born. 

I've heard women say once you hold your bundle of joy in your arms you forget all about the pain of child birth...do ya feck!! Don't listen to those women, they're lying, it is still lodged all too clearly in my mind.

Pregnancy No.2 was a prettier picture. Dave would comment about what a dream I was and how sometimes he would forget I was even pregnant. I noticed he was home from work on time a lot more this pregnancy too. 
I didn't have any depression this time, I did get the headaches but knowing what worked for them last time I was able knock them on the head fairly quickly (pardon the pun). I was joyful, dare i say glowing. 

All that being said, I still could not wait to get the baby out so the evening it all began I had been bouncing on the birthing ball for hours. I could feel the baby moving further down with every bounce but didn't get too excited as the days leading up to this one I tried just about everything there was going on the Internet and nothing worked. But low and behold just as we got into bed, the contractions started and sped up fairly quickly so off we went to the hospital. 

A couple of hours later we were sent home as they were low staffed and I still had a bit to go. It was around 2am at this point but I happily went as I was starving and all that was going through my head was McDonald's drive thru. IT WAS CLOSED!!

6am I had had enough I needed to get back to McDonald's..I mean..hospital, but sure it was on the way. It was open this time but after all that I couldn't eat it. I was in agony, Dave thought he would take a shortcut (it saved all of 15 seconds) the shortcut brought us in one side of a petrol station and out the other, but the station had 8 speed bumps to get over...I didn't say anything I just turned my head and gave him 'the look'. God love him he thought he was doing right. 

We got to the hospital, all hooked up in triage I was told I had to go straight to the delivery suite. Not because I was so far gone, they hadn't even checked that yet. No, it was because my heart rate was dropping and speeding up at a crazy rate. I tried to reassure everyone it was probably just the coffee I had from McDonald's as they all seemed as worried as I secretly was. Well, Dave was being very cool about the whole situation, a bit too cool for my liking. I thought, Jasus you're a heartless bastard but afterwards he told me he was a nervous wreck and was putting on an act for my sake. 
So there it was, the moment I realised I might die today. As if the day wasn't bad enough already having no sleep, the obvious pain of labour and my failed attempt at the lovely looking MaccyD pancakes despite my starvation. 
Doctor after doctor came to poke and prod and give their thoughts on the dodgy ticker but to no avail, thankfully I'm still here to tell the tale. 

Surprisingly enough the pain held up a little bit, NOOOOO this means I'm going home but then my waters broke. I was asked if I wanted the epidural now, the pain wasn't really that bad anymore but I wasn't taking any chances so yes if you're offering, why not.

The day drew on hour after hour talking shit to the midwife asking all the questions I'm sure she's answered a hundred times before. "Do many people record the birth? I think that's a bit weird myself." 

Okay, less talking, THE HEAD IS COMING.. Dave and Megan (the midwife) looked on with such excitement on their faces.. To hell with it I wanna see "here Dave record it". They both just looked up at me. "Yes I know what I said earlier but I don't care I want to see why your faces look like a fat kid at a hotdog stand, record it".

16 minutes was all the pushing took and out he came looking like a smurf that just emerged from a swamp, another beautiful boy. I remember thinking oh you are gorgeous but your covered in a whole lot of yuk so we will save the kisses for later, no offence Jesse. 

After we settled down and I had been yet again stitched up, I had a look at the video. If I blurred out what my vagina looked like at that moment in time and just focused on the little head making it's debut then yes, it was amazing to watch but just once, then it had to be deleted. I never wanted to look at that godawful image of my nether regions again.

There I was, a year down the line and 9 days away from my third baby's due date (yep - I'm that crazy) making the coolest cake ever for Jesse's 1st birthday when I started to feel a bit queezy and no I wasn't eating the raw ingredients I swear. The day moved on with that sickly feeling but no symptoms of an impending labour until 8pm that evening. Boys were in bed, I was watching TV and the contractions started. There had been many a night previous to this one where I told my husband "this is it, we're having the baby tonight" but then I'd just let out some wind or something and panic over but this was different, you know when you know. 

The contractions weren't that painful but they were coming every couple of minutes so we headed to the hospital as I didn't want to take any chances with number three shooting out like they say it can. (Bucket vagina and all that)
Got to the hospital at 10.30pm and there was literally a que of women in labour waiting to push a push pop, I swear I felt like I was in Starbucks. Luckily Evie was in no big hurry at this point as it was 1am before I was check over. At only 1cm I thought we we're going to be sent on our bike but they said because it's my third, things might happen quickly so I should stay over night. (Bucket vagina comes to mind again)
We walked to the ward and I told Dave to go to the car and get my hospital bag and then take himself off home as nothing was happening... When he came back 5 minutes later with my bag I was on all fours and mooing like a cow. Midwife did the check and I was 2cm, how could this be?? I was in agony. 20 minutes past and things were only getting worse so she checked again, 5cm.

I was wheeled up to the delivery suite on a chair and up onto the bed. I could feel the head coming but I kept screaming for the epidural. I knew that wouldn't be possible but god loves a trier. No position was helping these pains and I had tried every one of them. In the end I just put my arms around Dave's neck and pulled myself up against his strength during every contraction. There wasn't even a pause between them now and my body just took over, there was sound coming from my mouth I couldn't even control. Then there was the head. Oh no how do shoulders come next.. I remember at that moment (and Dave's favourite part of the labour) I shouted "Kill me, Kill me now!!" and I was serious but thankfully they didn't and out squeezed the shoulder.. the rest just swam out. 

Having had epidural with both my other labours and not even a paracetamol with this one I feel like it was the first time I actually gave birth. I used to say "awe it's not bad giving birth, I actually enjoy it a bit". I will most certainly not be saying that again. 
Holding the beautiful Evie in my arms, I was swarmed by what seemed like 20 doctors around me. They were frantically sticking needles in both my hands and kept missing veins with all the rushing. They told me I was losing a lot of blood, one doctor was pulling at the umbilical cord trying to get the placenta out. I felt myself fading out, my head sinking further into the pillows beneath me. Evie was in Dave's arms at this stage and I was just watching on like I was behind a screen. I remember thinking it was the end, I actually said my goodbyes to Dave and to pass it on to the boys. It seems a bit dramatic now thinking back but in that moment with everything that was happening around me it wasn't dramatic enough. Thankfully once the placenta came out, the bleeding slowed down and the panic was over.

I became the mother of a beautiful healthy girl to add to our boisterous household. No longer will I be bullied by boys, she will have my back (I hope). 

Labour is a scary thing, it rarely ever goes to plan and can come with it's complications but when you hold your bundle of joy at the end, it is worth it a million times over. 

(My husband is already talking about baby number 4.. I might have to kill him)

Meet the sprogs

Meet the sprogs

Lets start with the first born. Riley is two and is a grade A fully qualified asshole (yes i said it, he's my kid, I know him so I'm allowed to say it). He takes his job very seriously therefore putting in a lot of overtime. But for an hour here and there he slacks and lets the off duty Riley shine through, the beautiful hilarious infectious child we love more than life itself. And when he's asleep in bed at night and no longer tormenting me, the off duty Riley is the only one I can remember from the day.

Jesse is 3 months old, he is pretty much a dream baby, Smiling through the day, sleeping through the night (almost). I cant say too much negative about him, he doesn't have it easy with Riley's need to excel at his job, Jesse will bare the brunt be it a sly brush in passing or a full blown punch to the stomach. He does get some kisses too although I cant say there not forced but soon enough they will be the best of friends. So I will leave it at 'dream baby' and keep hoping for the best because I'm pretty sure I said the same thing about Riley when he was that age. 

Mary Poppins and Me

Mary Poppins and Me

So what do i 'not so' have in common with the wonderful Mary Poppins.

I carry an umbrella...when the sun is shining and get saturated when it rains.

I too have a bag full of crap but mine never has what i need unless of course I don't need it anymore and then it magically appears.

My 2 year old doesn't listen to a word I say unless it begins with "you can have an ice cream if.." or ends with "right no ice cream for you", (little does he know the ice pops are made of blended carrots and oranges, muhahaha mummy wins.. dumbass) 

I don't always have time to perfect my hair or even brush it for that matter, my wardrobe is a whole lot of leggings and tee's, why ruin anything else!

Basically, most days I look more like the chimney sweep from the movie than anywhere close to Poppins but that is motherhood for most of us, it is what I choose and love and why i decided to start this blog. To share the craziness, the good, the bad and ugly because none of us are perfect, we can only do our best in this life so lets make mistakes, learn lessons, have a few meltdowns, but most of all.. lets have a good time living it!!